


Bargaining

by flootzavut



Series: Five Stages [3]
Category: MASH (TV)
Genre: Alternate Timeline, Angst, Denial, Five Stages of Grief, Internalised Homophobia, M/M, Rage eats a chicken, Unresolved Emotional Tension, queer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-14
Updated: 2019-03-14
Packaged: 2019-11-17 23:40:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18108869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flootzavut/pseuds/flootzavut
Summary: The problem is that Hawkeye and BJ make it seem so easy, and Trapper doesn't know how they do it.





	Bargaining

**Author's Note:**

  * For [pr0serpina](https://archiveofourown.org/users/pr0serpina/gifts), [AnnetheCatDetective](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnnetheCatDetective/gifts), [onekisstotakewithme](https://archiveofourown.org/users/onekisstotakewithme/gifts), [docmccoy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/docmccoy/gifts).



> Big shout out to AnnetheCatDetective, whose headcanons about Trapper's sexually decidedly made their way into this story in particular.
> 
> Set in the same justalittlegreenie-inspired AU as the rest of this series.
> 
> Pina, you are the bestest McHunnihawk cheerleader I could hope for ♥️

* * *

_**Bargaining** _

* * *

 

The problem is that Hawkeye and BJ make it seem so easy, and Trapper doesn't know how they do it. And it isn't that he wants it, but... Probably, if he asked, they'd help him, team up to fix him or somethin', and ain't that half the problem? Because it's not him who's broken.

Right?

Somehow he misses Louise more now, but it's not Lou naked in their bed, or even Lou on his arm; it's his best friend, his best girl, the woman he still can't believe agreed to marry him. She could help. She always could figure out what kind of a mess he was in better than he could. But even if he wanted to have this conversation with her in a letter or over the phone, he couldn't. It would only take one army censor deciding that his is the letter that gets opened this time around for their whole lives to crumble to the ground.

Hell, he doesn't even know what he'd say if he saw her. How could he say to his wife, 'I'm scared to lose my bunkmate to my other bunkmate, and I'm even more scared because I shouldn't be this goddamn scared - and by the way, I'm fucking them both every chance I get'?

But God, he misses her.

Being in the Swamp alone with Hunnicutt and mainlining martinis is a bad idea, because BJ has this way about him where even though Trap's still not his greatest fan, it's almost impossible not to lean into him or on him, to turn to him for comfort.

Trap's so used to Hawkeye, all scrawny lankiness. That's fine, he's a big fan of Hawkeye and Hawkeye's body, but BJ's so solid. He exudes a manliness that's both tough and soft; it's like there's some instinct in Trap that wants to reach out and grab and hold on to that feeling.

They're sitting side by side on Trap's cot (another terrible idea), and Trap's just barely resisting the temptation to crawl into BJ's lap. He's never done that before, but he always feels jealous when Hawkeye does it, or when BJ gathers Hawkeye up and holds him close. It looks so cosy, so safe.

So far Trap's managed to confine himself to leaning on BJ and (mostly) not resting his head on BJ's shoulder. God, he's so warm; it's like sitting next to a space heater. It'd be easy for Trap to slide his hands into BJ's clothes, get closer to all that warmth and muscle and- _God_. And yet, what Trap is really aching for right now is just to be held. He has no idea how to get from here to there, how to find that closeness that seems to be so natural for BJ and Hawkeye. He wants it most with Hawkeye, of course, but he can't help it, he wants it with BJ, too.

He's tried, he's trying, but he doesn't know how to bridge the gap between sex and intimacy, doesn't know how to do this from a place of trust. It's nothing like it was with Lou; that was easy, no big deal. He loved her when they were friends, he loved her when they got engaged, he loves her still now they're married.

This is like climbing a mountain with no pickaxe or rope, forever on the verge of falling, terribly aware of the gaping chasm underneath. It was all so simple with Lou, and everything with Hawkeye and Hunnicutt has always been so complicated.

Trap's never been a fan of complicated. By rights, he should've given up on this long ago, and when BJ came along, he should've been grateful for someone to take Hawkeye off his hands, not suddenly desperate, not trying to claw his way back into Hawkeye's good books. None of this makes sense - none of it. He needs someone to explain to him how to get from here to there, how to navigate this, and why, God, _why_ he needs more from Hawkeye and even from BJ.

BJ finishes the glass of martini in his hand, takes Trap's empty glass from him, and then he's running his fingers through Trap's hair and hauling him in closer. Fuck, fuck. Trap wants to climb on top of him and grind their cocks together, and he also wants to run away.

"What's the matter?" BJ asks at last, voice warm and sympathetic.

Trap shakes his head.

BJ kisses his temple. "C'mon, Trap," he says. "I may not know you as well as Hawk, but I know when something isn't right."

If he has this conversation with BJ, does that mean he can avoid having it with Hawk?

Of course, that means he's gotta have it with Hunnicutt, which is an idea that fills him with uneasy dread. It's one thing to share a bed with a guy. It's a whole different thing to share the uncertainty and doubt and fear all knotted up in his chest. Even with alcohol to loosen his tongue, he's still not sure where to start.

The knot grows tighter the longer they sit here. Eventually it's so tight that if Trap doesn't say something, he's going to explode. "I don't know how to do this," he whispers, and it takes everything he has to force it out of his throat. "I don't know how you do it."

"Do what?"

Trap knows Hunnicutt well enough by now to realise he's not being obnoxious. He really doesn't understand. Plus, he's... well, Beej, big and soft (albeit with a core of steel), not afraid of his feelings or of Hawk's, not ashamed of who he is. He's probably never had trouble letting himself get close to someone in his whole life, and Trap hates him a little for it, even at the same time he wants to be a part of it.

"How do you- how do you let someone-" _let Hawk_ is the unspoken translation "-let someone..."

There's a pause, then, "Let someone matter to me?" BJ asks softly, and it's clear he's gone from bemused to understanding. Trap tries not to to be angry about being so easy to figure out.

"Yeah," he breathes, and if Hunnicutt weren't looking for it, weren't listening and watching closely, he probably wouldn't even hear it, Trap says it so quiet.

BJ leans back, out of Trap's space, and Trap hates himself for how much he misses the proximity.

"How'd you do it so easily?"

BJ laughs then. "God, McIntyre, you really don't know a goddamn thing, do you?"

Trap's ready to be offended, but BJ reaches out and grasps his shoulder, then cups his chin, and they're never this tender with each other without Hawkeye as a mediating presence.

"It isn't easy, John," he says. (He's never called Trap that before. It's intimate and uncomfortable and right.) "It's hard for everyone. _Everyone_. You think it's easy for me to let myself be vulnerable with Hawk? You think it's _easy_? God. No. It's terrifying and painful, and when I think about how this war could tear us apart in a second, it makes me feel sick. I don't do it because it's easy. I do it because I care about him."

Trap doesn't know what to say to that. "Oh."

"Damn, who the hell screwed you up?" It's said under BJ's breath, but he's still lucky Trap's more interested in understanding him than defending his own honour, or he'd be the recipient of a knuckle sandwich.

Still. "Fuck you."

BJ laughs again and actually ruffles Trap's hair, which should be maddening but sends a tingle all the way down his spine instead. "You're an idiot," BJ says, and it's almost as kind and amused as when he says it to Hawkeye.

"Well gee, thanks Hunnicutt," Trap replies, with all the sarcasm he can muster. (It's a lot less than he was aiming for.)

BJ slings an arm casually around his shoulders, and it's a fucking _relief_ , because he gets to cuddle back into BJ's side without it being his decision. "Can I help?"

Trap mentally rolls his eyes. It's sort of endearing how that's BJ's go-to response to pretty much any problem someone he cares about has. Trap's not sure how he became someone BJ cares about, though. "I don't know."

"What is it you want?"

"I don't _know_."

"Hey." BJ gives him a squeeze. "It's okay. I wanna help."

Of course he does. "Geez Louise, Hunnicutt."

"What?"

Trap shakes his head. "Never mind."

They sit in silence for a few minutes. It's... weird. Not bad weird, just weird. Trap decided he was gonna hate BJ approximately five seconds after they were introduced; it wasn't supposed to end in _cuddling_ , for fuck's sake.

"It's beautiful," he admits at last, very, very quietly. "When you and Hawk are-" Trap pulls a face and waggles his hand about vaguely. "I don't mean what you look like- uh, I mean obviously you _are_ \- I- _fuck_."

BJ chuckles. "'S okay. Not exactly hard on the eyes yourself, John."

Trap's whole face is on fire, but he's in too deep to stop, so he pushes through. "I mean... when you and Hawk are, you know, _together_. It's- I never had that."

"What about Louise?"

Trap shakes his head. "She's... my best friend. She's my kids' mom. I love her, but it... it was never like-" He stops. How does he explain it was always easy before? Not 'cause he found it easy to open up, but 'cause he never _had_ to. Whoever he was with, it never mattered to him before, not like this, not like Hawkeye does.

How can he explain what he doesn't understand himself?

BJ takes Trap by the chin again and gently tilts his face up. Trap doesn't dare meet BJ's eyes. He's too afraid of... everything. Then BJ kisses him, coaxes him into kissing back, and Trap doesn't know what the hell this is.

For a long moment, he lets himself be kissed, because it's good, because Hunnicutt can sure as fuck kiss, then he pulls back, hard, leaves BJ blinking and bemused. There's a certain kind of satisfaction in wrong-footing the man, in taking him by surprise, and it almost but not quite makes up for how Trap wants them to keep kissing.

It's all so damn confusing and wrong. Why is kissing BJ so different? It's not like kissing Hawkeye, kissing Hawkeye is - _God_ \- kissing him is too good. But even kissing BJ Hunnicutt is not the same as kissing Margie or Margaret or any of the other nurses, it's not even like kissing Louise, and he _loves_ Louise, and he definitely does _not_ love Hunnicutt, even if he no longer really hates him, either.

"So what's different, with Hawk?" BJ asks softly.

Trap shakes his head. This is not a conversation he's ready for, at all.

"Is it different with me?"

He doesn't want to answer that, either, but his face flushes again, and Hunnicutt ain't stupid.

"Huh."

Trap peers up without lifting his head. He expects for BJ to be amused by his discomfort, but BJ looks thoughtful, like he's figuring things out.

"Am I more like Hawk or more like, say, Louise?"

Trap looks down. He figures he doesn't need to admit it, his reaction is enough.

"Huh," BJ says again, rubbing Trap's shoulder absently. It's kind of comforting... it's even a little affectionate. Trap can't figure out when they became - what? - friends? He's not sure. Even with all the contradictory feelings he has for the man, even though part of him wishes BJ would just go home (or had never come here), he's still so soft and warm, he cares so much. Trap could very easily lean in for another kiss, pull BJ into bed, forget about all this in BJ's arms. And in all honesty, he still might.

But apparently BJ isn't done torturing him. "You ever feel that way about someone else before Hawk?"

Yet another question where Trap doesn't have an answer that would satisfy himself, let alone someone else.

"You ever feel that way about a woman?"

That one really makes Trap flinch. The answer is there in his gut, _no_ , there's no question, no doubt. And what the hell does that make him? What does that even mean?

(What can he do about it?)

"I don't know," he says aloud. He's certain BJ knows he's lying. "I don't know." _No, never_. He kinda wants BJ to challenge him on it, and he's not sure if it's because he needs someone to confide in or so he has the excuse to slug BJ in the mouth.

"Trapper?"

"I can't..." Trap levers himself to his feet, and pretends not to notice that he pushes BJ away with considerable violence as he does so. He needs to go find one of the nurses. He can't, he just... _can't_.

"John?" BJ's voice is softer when he uses Trap's real name, softer and almost tender, which is worse even than when he kisses Trap.

"Don't," he snaps. "Leave me the fuck alone." He stomps out of the tent and doesn't look back, ignores Hawkeye's 'Hi' as they cross paths (why couldn't he have finished in OR sooner and come back and not left Trap and BJ to have that conversation?) and heads directly to the O-Club.

Maybe he'll find a nurse there, and if he can't, well, he'll go to their tent or he'll sweet talk one over a patient, or if all else fails he'll pick a fight with some jerk and at least work off a little tension. That'll help, right?

He's not gonna think about it. He's not. He won't.

He can't.

_~ fin ~_


End file.
